Differences between humility and low self-esteem

Low self-esteem:

-Is actually rooted in believing that you are something different from other people! People with low self-esteem often look at themselves in the mirror and think that they are ugly. Many people think “I am ugly”, but if you ask them for another person they think that this person is beautiful.

This does not make any sense. How can we always be the ugly one? Why does everyone believe themselves to be ugly? This is because we think that we are something different from other people and that different criteria regarding what looks good or bad apply to us than to others! We have higher criteria for ourselves and we often do not reach them. This is why we feel ugly.

This does not make any sense. Something is objectively either good or bad. You cannot really say that it is good, only when someone else does it. It is not bad to want to be presentable or cleaner etc, but you have to admit that you have something good and you just want to make it better, if you have a reason to want to improve it. Just saying that you do not look e.g. beautiful when you are, does not help anyone and does not even make any sense (since it is not very logical to say that something is good only when someone else does it).

This may sound surprising, but low self-esteem is actually a narcissistic trait! Narcissists have a tendency to believe that different rules of behaviour apply to them because they are something different and superior to other people. The truth is however, that we are as much of a human being as everyone around us. If this face is beautiful when Katie has it, this has to mean that it is also beautiful when I have it. Otherwise, things do not really make sense. Low self-esteem is thus rooted in ego and pride and Christians should try to not have low self-esteem, if they want to attempt to be truly humble. It is also an obsession with the self and what it "should" be, namely, something self-conceived and not as we are made by God.

True humility:

I will only say a few words about true humility because I do not know in much detail what being humble truly means. Some parts of humility mean understanding that you are just a human being who is not capable of everything. I am not capable of understanding everything about how the universe works because the human brain or even human logic is limited and it cannot understand or explain everything. Understanding your weaknesses and not thinking that you can always achieve something is also humble. You may or may not be able to run a marathon. Don’t just assume that you can do it because you like running and your stamina is not too bad. Also, use the same criteria as you would use to judge if someone else can run the marathon, instead of using different criteria when examining traits of yourself.

Understanding your inferiority as a being in relation to God is also humility. God is perfect and He can do everything and He is not limited. He also knows everything and is everywhere. Understanding that you are just a human is humble. Thinking that you can escape God’s judgement is not humble. Who do you think that you are to be able to trick or escape God? Thinking that you can beat God in something is also not humble.

As we spoke of low self-esteem before, understanding that the same criteria apply to defining who you are and who another person is is also humble. It is humble because you understand that you are part of a whole (Konanos, 2021) and you also understand that you are human too and not someone that was made by different materials than other humans, a being that is in some way superior to them and different rules somehow define him because he is another type of being. The laws of beauty or nature or behaviour do not change when you are examined as a person. Understanding that you are important is also humble. Humans are definitely important as beings (Konanos, 2021). We can understand this even better especially if we realise that we were made in the image and likeness of God. The fact that a God also loves you and sacrificed Himself for you may also make you feel even more important.

As humility is objective (in contrast to low self-esteem), it may also involve being able to make objective good statements about yourself. It does not always mean that you should think or say something low about yourself. Sometimes people confuse that. Sometimes, for instance, people have a talent and have some sort of false-humility. For example, they may think less of their abilities than is reasonable and this is often a way they may excuse themselves from doing the work God gave them.

Which is the difference between narcissistic self-love and humility though? As explained, humility (in contrast to narcissism) is rooted in understanding that you are part of a whole and not something different from others. You are not entitled e.g. to special treatment simply because you are you.

Humility also comes into contrast to ego. Being offended by something simply because our ego was hurt, e.g. a verbal insult, is bad. It also means that you have a different opinion about yourself in relation to others and it shows pride again. The big difference between humility and narcissistic self-love is this (Konanos, 2021):

Humility: “I am important, but you are important too. We are all important for reasons X, Y and Z”.

Supposedly high self-esteem, that is actually rooted in narcissism: “I am important. Thus, I am entitled to many things and I should have them regardless of what happens to others. I matter and the others do not really matter so much.”

All in all, humility, high self-esteem that is rooted in narcissism and low self-esteem are three things that can actually be confused with each other and it is not easy to discern them. A Christian should attempt to reach humility instead of other forms of self-love which are actually not true love to ourselves or others, as they are based on pride and ego.

References

Konanos, A. (2021). What is humility in the end?. [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dksIWYjKms0 [Accessed 29 March 2022].