What women want: more about motherhood

I have been dealing with feelings of depression for years now. One main reason for this was the lack of babies in my life. Since I was 20 years old, I felt that I want to have my own babies and, unfortunately, I have not managed to do this yet. This lack of motherhood is driving me crazy and I have tried to find ways to satisfy my need to take care of a child before I actually have my own kids. Through the years I have tried many things, but this time I had to do something more drastic. I couldn’t take it anymore.

First of all, I went to become a helper in one orthodox Christian camp for children. I was watching some kids of 12-14 years old. This was a very fulfilling experience for me. I was happy to help these kids. I also bought food for a kid that ran out of money in the camp and this really fulfilled me. I felt that I fed a child!

During taking care of these children, I realized some things about myself. I am not sure if these apply to all women, but I know that they apply to me. First of all, I enjoyed helping at the camp MORE than I used to enjoy going to camps myself when I was a kid. I have tried so much to explain to people that contribution to others or doing something good are what brings people more happiness and nobody believed me.

My brother had even been lecturing me about how happy I am supposed to be in this phase of my life when I have no kids to take care of my own and no responsibilities. Little did he know about how empty hedonism is and that the pursuit of hedonism is not what truly brings happiness. The pursuit of responsibility BRINGS happiness. If not always, at least when you do activities that you also naturally enjoy (I like taking care of kids). I knew that being responsible for kids would make me happier and I WAS RIGHT!

I decided to live differently for a week (only a week!) and took care of these kids in the camp and had responsibilities. The amount of happiness that I felt in this week was so big that years of no responsibilities “had never even dreamed” they could give me. It is like they hadn’t even imagined that this would be possible.

During this week, I felt much less depressed. Also, I procrastinated less (I realized that I often procrastinate because some things in my life feel pointless and I don’t want to finish my work quickly and be left alone with myself because then I will realise how little point and meaning everything that I do has and I will suffer and panic!). I had a video call with my boyfriend at some point when I was in the camp. When he saw me, he immediately noticed that I looked much HAPPIER and even HEALTHIER. Yes, he did say “healthier”! I have started to feel that women are healthier when they take care of kids. As if this is my natural state (oh, well. It actually is, but feminists don’t like that).

Finally, I realized that I enjoyed the spiritual and emotional growth of kids more. Many nights, I tried to read the lives of saints to my kids. Another day, I taught them a lesson about the Good Samaritan. I also gave a book to a girl that taught young girls how to increase their self esteem. This was something that felt very important to me. When I was growing up, my self esteem was awful and I didn’t even try to increase it before I was 20.5 years old. The sooner someone starts to work on themselves, the easier it is to make changes on themselves. Also, at such a young age the girl wouldn’t even had built her character fully, so this book could help her build her behaviour well from the beginning without needing to change bad habits later.

These were the moments that I enjoyed the most during the camp. I was feeling that I was helping the new generation grow spiritually and as people. This was incredible for me. Helping someone become a better person or helping to save this person’s soul was more important than giving someone food. This fulfilled me more than I was fulfilled when I was fulfilling the material needs of kids.

When I came back from the camp, I felt depressed again and it was even worse because I had managed to finally get what I wanted and feel all these feelings, only to lose everything again a week later… Maybe going to a camp to help was a bad move from my side. Now, it was harder for me to cope without babies until I marry. For this reason, I decided to start a part time job and become a nanny. I started working as a nanny for 2 families and this helps me feel better. This helps me fulfill my need to take care of children in my everyday life. I have only been doing it for a couple of weeks though, so I don’t know for sure if it will turn out good or bad for me.